The Satire Chronicles Vol. 5: A Christmas Miracle

By Aaron Weiss

 According to several sources, a potential Christmas film based on the story of the Cleveland Browns week 16 victory over the San Diego Chargers, their first of the 2016 season, was scrapped after produces, actors, directors, audiences, critics, Clevelanders, Santa Claus, Football God, and Hue Jackson all declared it to be “too unrealistic.”

 The story was originally going to follow starting QB Robert Griffin III, in what would be a redemption story after his deflating exit from Washington, but after the Browns lost Griffin early in the year and went on to use 6 different QBs, re-shoots were put in place to make coach Hue Jackson the star, which was a turnoff to test audiences, who felt Jackson had the charisma of drywall.

 Furthermore, audiences questioned how an 0-14 team could realistically win a game where the opponent produced 100+ more yards of offense, recorded nine sacks, and somehow managed to miss two field goals, one of which was blocked.

 “It just didn’t make sense,” one audience member noted.

 While all hope for this film is basically lost, one producer remains hopeful.

 “I think this story has lots of potential,” Kevin Costner commented. “It’s incredibly emotional, and could fit right in with the story-line of the hugely successful film ‘Draft Day’.”

 Coster further went on to add, “I think this could be the start of a Cleveland Browns film franchise, an in depth look into this multifaceted team with it’s complex GM, Sonny Weaver. It needs a title, and I’m juggling between ‘Draft Day 2: The Draftening’, or ‘The Miracle on Draft Day’. I’ll let you know when we’ve settled on a title, and producers, a director, and an entire film crew!”

 While this project may never come to fruition, many critics have high hopes for a new sequel to the Nightmare Before Christmas, current in pre-production, titled ‘The Nightmare Before Playoffs: Attack of the Fibula.”

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