The Satire Chronicles, Vol. 4: The End of the Great Cowboy QB Debate

After weeks of speculation over whether or not veteran starter Tony Romo would retake his starting job from rookie quarterback Dak Prescott, Romo put the speculation to bed, acknowledging that Prescott had won the job with Romo inhabiting his body.

“He’s earned the right to be our quarterback,” Romo said of Prescott. “Besides, at this point it’s just easier to inhabit his body than wait until I wreck mine again.”

When pressed on why he chose to cede his chance to take the field, Romo made clear he still would like to be out there.

“If you think for a second that I don’t want to be out there, then you probably never felt the pure ecstasy of competing and winning,” Romo said. “That hasn’t left me. In fact, it may burn now more than ever. But it isn’t quite enough to overcome the searing pain when you break a bone on a nearly annual basis.”

Prescott went on the record to thank Romo for not causing a distraction of the situation.

“I’m so grateful to Tony for allowing me on the field,” Prescott told the press. “He even lets me out of suppression in my own mind, just for garbage time and what not. Apparently I need the experience.”

“I’m not too worried about Tony taking over my body long term,” Dak noted with a nervous chuckle. “He’s a really good dude, and Jerry keeps reminding me that being constantly locked in your own mind is just part of the regular rookie hazing everyone goes through. I’ll have my day to shine…right?” He then excused himself from the room saying he had to go talk to someone.

Finally, Coach Garrett was asked about how the arrangement worked, much to Garrett’s surprise.

“Wait, that isn’t Dak?” he asked incredulously. “Oh, boy, oh jeez, I really thought I had my guy. I knew he was too good for a rookie. But if Romo is inhabiting Dak, then does that mean someone is inhabiting Zeke too? Is Emmitt around here somewhere? Damn! I knew it! Jerry’s such a scoundrel. I’ve got to go!” He then ran out of the room wiping sweat from his brow.

Jerry Jones, for the first time in his life, could not be reached for comment.

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