The Satire Chronicles, Vol 3: #5 Louisville Falls to Houston

By Aaron Weiss

After the slew of dramatic losses across the college football landscape, this week had to jump out early to cause Top 25 drama, and it did so with Houston thrashing Lamar Jackson’s Louisville. The loss effectively eliminates Louisville from playoff contention, and puts a serious dent in Jackson’s dominant Heisman odds. When pressed on his performance, however, Jackson seemed quite jolly.

“Well I was talking to Coach Petrino, and he warned me about trying to win,” Jackson noted nonchalantly. “He reminded me that if you get the top rank in a vote then you lose, and he suggested I try to find a way to tank my chances.”

“I’ve got to admit, it felt a little weird, throwing the game, running for under 100 yards,” Jackson noted. “The o-line did a good job selling the fact that they can’t block…I think. Still, I’m glad this team took the next step to secure me the Heisman.”

Petrino also seemed relatively content with the loss, and backed up Jackson’s claims.

“I mean we were never going to beat an Alabama or Clemson, so it was basically down to Lamar’s Heisman chances,” Petrino commented. “After Verlander lost the Cy Young despite more first place votes than Porcello, and after Hillary lost to Donny, I didn’t want Lamar to lose the Heisman by getting way more 1st place votes than the competition, so we spent the week figuring out which game would be optimal to tank.”

When pressed on why Houston made more sense than Kentucky, Petrino gave an almost arrogant response.

“Well it just wouldn’t be believable,” Petrino noted. “I mean if we lost to Kentucky people would start asking if Lamar was hurt, or if the players were Pete Rose-ing the season, and that just wouldn’t do.”

Petrino then left to go celebrate the successful loss with Lamar. As he left he was asked if the rest of the team were on board with the intentional loss, to which Petrino replied, “they came to Louisville to play football; I don’t think they’ll mind.”

Jackson went 20/43 for 211 yards and a touchdown, plus he ran 25 times for 33 yards.

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