The Satire Chronicles Vol. 2: Baseball God Is Pissed

By Aaron Weiss

In the aftermath of last night’s World Series victory for the Chicago Cubs, the first in 108 years, reporters clamored to hear how Baseball God reacted to the success.

“I’m pissed,” Baseball God told the media tersely, soaking wet from the excess champagne. “I’ve relied on the Cubs as my saddest franchise every year since I had to move from the Red Sox. The last time I made a hard decision to pick the saddest franchise was when I moved to the Red Sox from the White Sox in 1959. I hate making tough decisions.”

When pressed as to who would inherit the title of saddest franchise, Baseball God failed to produce any concrete answers.

“Well I can’t pick the Indians; they just made it here, they won the pennant twice in the ‘90s, and they have my nephew LeBron to ease Cleveland’s woes,” Baseball God decreed. “Off the top of my head I can’t think of any baseball team truly worthy. I may not be able to top the sadness of the Cubs, but I won’t put give a team with remnants of hope the title, it isn’t right.”

“Perhaps it’s time to give the title to a franchise from a different sport entirely,” Baseball God pondered.

This comment caused a stir in the crowd, but the Almighty Baseball Deity cut them off by clarifying his statement.

“Obviously the angels and I will only look at the MLB, NBA, and the NFL. Even if there were acceptable candidates elsewhere, no one likes the MLS, the NHL is handled by the Canadian Demigods, and I don’t have the time to care about international squads.”

Baseball God, now mildly drunk off of the gallons of champagne flowing through Chicago, followed up, asking the crowd, “Does anyone know who now has the longest drought? The Arizona Cardinals? Seriously? That can’t be right; they’re not even the saddest team in their division! Besides, Arizona has other teams to root for, like, like, like, the Diamondbacks and, um…..what’s that other team called? Oh yeah, the Suns! The Suns and Diamondba—oh wow, Arizona is screwed! How’d I let this happen? I need to fix this!”

Baseball God then hurried out of the conference room, swearing on his mother’s grave to fill the vacancy as quickly as possible.

Update: According to several sources, Baseball God held an emergency meeting with several high level angels early this morning to discuss the empty position of saddest franchise. Early indications suggest that the Sacramento Kings are the heavy favorites to fill the position.

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