The Satire Chronicles Vol. 1: The NBA is Back

By Aaron Weiss

2016 has not been a great year. It’s not been a good it. It’s been a dystopian, apocalyptic year. Too many beloved celebrities have passed away. Politics have gone to hell. Common sense has gone out the window. Cleveland won an NBA title.

The signs continued to present themselves last night. While most of the world looked on in horror at the realization that either the Cubs or Indians would walk away with a World Series ring, the defending Western Conference Golden State Warriors faced off against the Tim Duncan-less San Antonio Spurs…and lost…by 29 points. The only other team this season to lose by 29 points or more — look away now Warrior fans — is the New York Knicks.

Maybe Russell Westbrook cursed Kevin Durant for all eternity. Maybe Anderson Varejao remains a plant by the Cavaliers to undermine the Warrior Juggernaut. Maybe this is just an aberration, as the Warriors shot 21.2% from downtown in this one singular game, as opposed to last year’s 41.6%. Maybe this is what happens when a star player is introduced early on, and it takes time for the kinks to figure themselves out, and we shouldn’t sweat that the Warriors got beat by a very good San Antonio team who themselves had a historic year last year, and maybe this is just another indication that the timeline of events may parallel the big three in Miami, who ended up going to 4 straight finals and winning 2 of them, Charles Barkley needs to chill.

Or maybe the Nerdlucks are real, and LeBron is their leader in Space Jam 2. Yeah. Let’s go with that.

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